Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
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Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
.. do you even science?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
It was worth a shot 😂
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is