Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest