Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Human are so complicated
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
on da cob, we all corn
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know