Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.