Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Bill is short for Billiam
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.