Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad