Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.