Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

when someone rings the doorbell

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t