Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently