Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I found your tweet-up…
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Jail
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
