Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
good morning
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Sticker placement is key.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to