Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

rebranding

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.