Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.