[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
You Might Also Like
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in