[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms