the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
sir, my pâté if you please
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.