Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
