Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
