Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
