SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[first date]
HER: well, I’m still hung up on my ex from college. Do you have any baggage?
ME: it has recently come to my attention that I have been under a voodoo curse due to my actions in early 2015
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.