Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

I am also baked goods

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.