SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
the answer was staring at me all along
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good