SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Am I having a stroke?
I’m being attacked 😭
