Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I see your IQ test came back negative
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
