Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
