[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Roombas should bark
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
