[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
