[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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Stop making fast and furious movies.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*Seductively hides in the woods
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.