Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out