@TheToddWilliams

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

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@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

@WilliamAder

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

@Sanbel11

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

@SergioValenCo

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

@shanselman

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

@jimmytorosian

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out