Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Ken is short for chicken

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

We don’t deserve birds.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: