Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

What’s so funny?

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances