Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

How is it still this week?

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.