Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

They’re the worst 😩

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights