she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
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Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
sometimes i miss this memes
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
.. do you even science?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.