Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.