she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.