she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…