she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?