She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
cyclists
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning: