Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I’m sorry…what?

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!