Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

Don’t tell me what to do

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

He-man has a Masters degree

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva