She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
😂💯
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
The Book. The Movie.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Phonetics
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”