Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

😆

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.