Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

ㅤ

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.