She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
You Might Also Like
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Don’t talk down to me
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Look at this
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.