She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
phew
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.