She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Seas the day!!!!
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!