No. He’s not coming out to play
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.