Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.