She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Holy moly
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*weighs self after shaving
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.