She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
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If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off