Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Pretty much. 🤣

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

“FRAAANCE!”