she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Ah yes. The three genders
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
✨☝️✨
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.