she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
