she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.