Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Nose

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?