Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Breaking news:

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

i’m so sick of this guy

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth