She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
PARKOUR
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.