She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!