Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬