she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I can also cook 😂
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.