She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
estão todos miauvindo?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
dude it’s called proctologist
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?