She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
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Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy