HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Close call…
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
🤣🤣
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*skinny dips into black hole