Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Truth