Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil