Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Print is alive and well!!!

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.