“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
this was very charming
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Jus’ sayin. 😐
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.