“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
why no one uses midhusbands