Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.